Troubled Soul Don't Lose Your Heart

As the year draws to a close and a new year comes upon us, I am reminded of where I was 2 years ago and where I long to return someday soon, and that is Nairobi, Kenya. Here is something I wrote a few days after I got back in 2011 and how I still feel at times even now. 

January 7, 2011

"Troubled soul don't lose your heart, 'cause joy and peace He brings. And the beauty that's in store outweighs the hurt of life's sting." This exact part of the song "There Will Be a Day" woke me up this morning on my alarm. I have woken up the last two days with an ache in my heart. A sinking feeling comes over me. It hurt so much to leave Kenya and I long for my brothers and sisters there. But God has me here. I want to fulfill the Lord's purpose wherever He has me.

May I wake up with the joy that I'm with You, Lord. That You hold my lot. You are my portion and cup. To You alone does my spirit yield. You are my heart's desire. I long to be with You.

I drank some of my Kenyan tea today. It brought back so many memories. Here we do not take the time just to sit and commune with one another. That is what having tea does. And then whenever you drink it, you recall all the warm feelings you had when you were in the company of your brothers and sisters in Christ. I brought a bit of Kenya home with me, in more ways than one. I don't know if I'll be able to drink the tea. When I close my eyes, I can see us sitting around the meeting room on the property at camp chatting and laughing and sharing stories and life with one another.

Philippians 4:1 "Therefore my brothers, whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, stand firm thus in the Lord, beloved"

I used to skim over these words as "just a greeting", but now I empathize with Paul and the true feeling of love and compassion for a people very dear to me. Paul loved and longed for those he'd met in his mission journeys. It didn't always mean he got to go back, but he always carried a part of them in his heart. I long to go back, to be with those I've visited, loved, and shared with. But right now that cannot be. But I do feel the joy of the Spirit. I can feel His strength lifting me up in my weakness. I can feel how Christ is holding me, how He's brought me running to Him. Before the foundation of the earth He chose me. You are amazing, God! May I always run to You and listen to Your words!

I realize also it is the camp I miss. The closeness with my sisters and brothers in Christ with God. I want to be doing that now. Communing with them. I long to be with them in body, not just spirit. The Lord has used this to draw me close to Him and He has been faithful. He has brought scripture to mind and kept me going. He graciously bestowed blessings when I sought Him fervently and truly. Thank You, Lord! Amen! Praise the Lord! You are good! A mighty fortress! A refuge! Great are You, Lord! Your plans will be fulfilled! Psalm 121:8-You watch over my coming and going! My times and places belong to You! Bwana asifiwe tena na tena! Amen na amen!

Twelve Months of Christmas

I meant to write this earlier, but the Christmas season has a way of making time shrink. However, I thought it still might be useful. I was thinking about Christmas spirit, the ways we tend to go about getting ourselves in the Christmas spirit, and what it really means to be in the Christmas spirit.

It all started when I told Jeff I just wasn't feeling in the Christmas spirit this year. A lot of times the closer it gets to Christmas, the more overwhelmed and stressed I become, rather than peaceful and calm, sound familiar? That, along with the fact that the days leading up to Christmas it was almost 80 degrees outside, made it feel even less Christmassy (yes that's a word). I love the cold. I love bundling up, seeing Christmas lights, ice-skating, fires, romantic or meaningful Christmas movies, fun games, and cozy nights with hot chocolate and a good book. And there was hardly any of that this year. Barely any lights, 80-degree weather (hardly puts you in the mood for hot chocolate), no ice-skating rink, no need for fires (and no fireplace even if there was), and no corny Christmas movies on Lifetime (we don't have cable). It seemed to me that many other people were experiencing the same lack of Christmas spirit since very few people put up Christmas lights this year and everyone I came in contact with in stores seemed rushed and frazzled. As I thought about this, I realized that not only had the things we associate with Christmas failed to get me in the Christmas spirit, but the real reason for Christmas hadn't even hit me yet. Even after Jeff talked about preparing for Christmas in his talks on Wednesdays, I still found myself unmoved. Christ's story is amazing and I was not standing in awe.

I realized then that part of the reason I wasn't feeling excited about Christmas is because I miss so many people. Moving to Florence has been great, and we love the people here, but I longed to see the people near and dear to my heart in Fort Mill and Charlotte. Christmas is not just about presents or decorations, it's about community and enjoying Christmas together. It's about laughing and playing and knowing you all know and understand the real reason for Christmas-that Christ was born to fulfill His purpose here on earth so that we, as a Body, as a Family, as a Church can stand together and know that one day we will live in eternity together in the presence of the Lord! I found myself longing for a silent night, away from all the buzz and hubbub of commercial Christmas. A night to contemplate what Christ really did for us. And then I found myself humming Silent Night. And the words finally hit me:

Silent night, holy night. All is calm, all is bright.

Round yon Virgin Mother and Child

Holy Infant so tender and mild

Sleep in heavenly peace

Sleep in heavenly peace

When I used to listen to it, the way the song goes, the "Sleep in heavenly peace" part almost seemed to be tagged on. I never read it as a sentence. Round yon Virgin Mother and Child, Holy Infant so tender and mild, sleep in heavenly peace. They sleep in heavenly peace. And we, too, can sleep in heavenly peace. Now we live in heavenly peace because Christ the Savior was born. We don't live like we have heavenly peace. When troubles come our way, when life seems to be crashing down around us, when we lose people dear to us, and become anxious and stressed, which especially comes out during the Christmas season, we don't live like we believe we are saved and God is in control. So how do we expect for one month out of the year to live in heavenly peace? We wonder why we are frazzled and stressed and unfeeling about Christmas, but it's not just because we can't get into the "Christmas spirit". It's because we haven't been living in the Spirit of Christ. How then do we expect to automatically be ready for Christmas emotionally and spiritually?

"Christmas spirit" is not something we come upon only in December or conjure up by throwing parties, decorating, or going and looking at lights. All those things are great ways to celebrate the holiday and remember what Christ has done, but they cannot make us stand in awe of Christ nor can they create the Spirit of Christ in us. It can only be the other way around. The Spirit of Christ in us helps us to see the majesty of the Christmas season, of the great thing that He did for us. Without His Spirit in us, we cannot truly or fully understand and comprehend what Christmas is all about. If we are not living in the Spirit, in heavenly peace, the other eleven months of the year, how should we expect to live in it on Christmas? We cannot. So I would encourage you, if you were not feeling the "Christmas spirit" this year, ponder what Christ has done for you and the blessings and good He sees fit to give you throughout the year. And don't cease to ponder it after December 25th has come and gone. Continue to ponder it for the rest of your life. Then perhaps next Christmas, instead of relying on or expecting that hanging the lights or decorating the Christmas tree or attending parties or going ice skating will get us into the Christmas spirit, we can let all those things be an outpouring of the Spirit of Christ in us, as believers in Christ, that we already have and that we carry with us twelve months out of the year.

Merry Christmas everyone!! Enjoy family and friends, fires (now that it's cold enough), presents, lights, music and fun! And may you always remember the most important part, that one day--because Christ came to us as a baby and grew up as a man, lived a perfect life and died for us to take our sins so that when we believe in HIm we will not be enemies with God any longer--we will all celebrate together with Him for eternity!

Painting Pictures of Egypt

"I don’t want to leave here I don’t want to stay 

It feels like pinching to me either way 

The places I long for the most 

Are the places where I’ve been 

They are calling after me like a long lost friend"

"I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt 

Leaving out what it lacked 

The future seems so hard 

And I want to go back 

But the places that used to fit me 

Cannot hold the things I"ve learned 

And those roads were closed off to me 

While my back was turned" 

"The past is so tangible 

I know it by heart 

Familiar things are never easy to discard 

I was dying for some freedom 

But now I hesitate to go 

Caught between the promise 

And the things I know"

-Sara Groves from "Painting Pictures of Egypt"

Sound familiar? Are there times in your life that you wish you could go back to instead of living in the present where it seems hard? Are there moments when you define the past as a time of freedom and where you are now as a wilderness? We deal with it today and so did our forefathers. Sara Groves depicts it well in her song, and the reference from Exodus shows that from the beginning, people have dealt with questioning where God was leading them. 

"They said to Moses, 'Is it because there are no graves in Egypt that you have taken us away to die in the wilderness? What have you done to us in bringing us out of Egypt? Is not this what we said to you in Egypt: 'Leave us alone that we may serve the Egyptians'? For it would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness." -Exodus 14:11&12

We are often like the Israelites (BIG surprise!). When the Israelites saw the Egyptians coming after them (after Pharaoh had changed his mind and decided to go after them to keep them from leaving Egypt) they doubted God and inquired of Moses why he had led them out in the wilderness to die. We do this, too. We follow God to a certain point where we feel comfortable and then when the going gets rough, we question whether He is taking care of us or just leading us to die. But really the question is, are the places in the past that you long for really going to fulfill you? Or even now, if you are trying to find what would make life fulfilling, has anything satisfied you yet? If you're single, would a boyfriend or girlfriend satisfy you? Or for those of you who are married now, do you find yourself fulfilled by that? Or perhaps you think if you had a child, maybe that would complete your life, maybe then you'd really be happy. Does seeking the complements of others by posting pictures of yourself online or making your life seem perfect to the outside world make you content? Maybe going out and buying the latest fashions or decorating your house with expensive things gives you satisfaction. If you're older maybe you think if you could just go back to a time when you had energy and could do everything you see others do, then you would be joyful. Perhaps some of these might passify the cravings of our heart, but they do not satisfy them. Going back to Egypt or staying there is not the answer. But what if our "Egypt" is all we know?

The Israelites had known nothing else for years. They had been in bondage for so long, they did not know from their small scope of life that there was anything better. They were actually under the impression that it would be better to live enslaved than to die free. They were caught between the unknown (the future fulfillment of the promise that God had made them) and the things that were known and comfortable to them.  Are we not the same way? We live so long in this world of pain and suffering, where people's hearts are devoid of God and it's all we know. And when we have the chance for something better, we balk at it. Instead of stepping forward and going through the discomfort of refinement to freedom (dying to ourselves), most of us would rather stay with the familiar, existing rather than living, and put our hope in the possiblity of love from another person who is still preoccupied with themselves no matter how they try to convince us otherwise, or striving for good grades in school so we can get a high-paying job, or even relying on the next cigarette or shot of whiskey after a long day, or the next party we can go to and forget our troubles and trick ourselves into believing we are happy. But we know deep down that at the end of the day, when we're alone and away from all those things, that none of them satisfy. We are in bondage, in slavery. But on our way out, when God is in the midst of delivering us, we cry out to go back because what we've known seems to be a better option or we don't want to give up the life we think we have that we falsely believe is freedom.

"And Moses said to the people, 'Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.'...Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and the Lord drove the sea back by a strong east wind all night and made the sea dry land, and the waters were divided. And the people of Israel went into the midst of the sea on dry ground...and as the Egyptians fled into it, the Lord threw the Egyptians into the midst of the sea. The waters returned and covered the chariots and the horsemen; of all the host of Pharaoh that had followed them into the sea, NOT ONE OF THEM REMAINED. But the people of Israel walked on dry ground through the sea...Thus the Lord saved Israel from the hand of the Egyptians...Israel saw the great power that the Lord used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord..." -Exodus 14:13, 21, 22, 27-31

NOT ONE OF THEM REMAINED. The Israelites were closed off from Egypt. The Egyptians were the bondage of the Israelites, and yet the Lord wiped them out. The things of this earth that we cling to are our bondage. NOTHING here on earth that we believe will satisfy us will remain. All that we use to fulfill us is a striving after wind, and there is nothing to be gained under the sun (Ecclesiastes 2:11). It is not until we see, with knees quivering in fear in the midst of our doubting Him, His awesome power break through and wipe out our bondage and open our eyes to the promised land, to the better place to which He is taking us, that we see and believe and are free. And even then we doubt sometimes. But once we are His, truly living for Him and not our selfish desires, He will always bring us back, bring us out of the desert, even through all our complaining. He will bring us out on the beautiful, glorious other side where eternity lies and we can rest in Him. We must trust He has a plan and it will be fulfilled and He will bring us through. But we have to have faith that He does all things for the good of those who love Him and that no matter what circumstances look like to us, in the end it is for our best.  Are we going to continue to prefer to live enslaved to the things of this world, or are we going to see that dying free is the better portion? We must see that when we die to ourselves and live for God, THAT is true freedom.

Marriage: Bringing Out the Worst to Make the Best

“He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn of all creation. For by him all things were created, in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or rulers or authorities—all things were created through him and for him. And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church. He is the beginning, the firstborn from the dead, that in everything he might be preeminent. For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross. And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him, if indeed you continue in the faith, stable and steadfast, not shifting from the hope of the gospel that you heard, which has been proclaimed in all creation under heaven, and of which I, Paul, became a minister.” (Colossians 1:15-23).

Paul is writing of Christ’s supremacy and the restoration of a right relationship with God that He won for us by His perfect life, death in our place, and resurrection, defeating sin and death, so that we may stand alive before God. What led me to this passage was a difficult evening a few days ago that brought Colossians 1:1&2 to mind because of the mention of grace. The past few weeks I have been pondering what it really means to live in the grace of Christ and in turn to bestow that grace upon others I come in contact with. One of the primary ways I see my lack of grace is in marriage. I have only been married for three months, but in that short time, I have seen the ugliness of my own heart come out in many ways. In marriage, you are faced with your sinful state twice as much as when you are single. Even Paul recognizes this. In 1 Corinthians 7:28 he says, “But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.”

Paul was right. It is hard to focus on heavenly rather than earthly things when you’re married. I find myself even more selfish and focused on my needs. And yet, I would even dare to rephrase that to say that I am finding out how selfish and focused on my needs I already was. I find it interesting that at the end of verse 28 (“…Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that.”), “troubles” literally means, “pressed together, or under pressure” (John MacArthur, NASB note). John MacArthur writes, “Marriage involves conflicts, demands, difficulties, and adjustments…because it presses two fallen people into intimate life that leads to inevitable ‘trouble.’”

Marriage has a way of bringing out the sin that has always been in your heart in a way that living single does not. I had unrealistic expectations going into marriage. Because of what I had heard from so many newly married women, “Marriage is fabulous. I am so blessed to be married to my husband. We have such a wonderful life together,” I thought that marriage would be smooth sailing in the beginning. It seemed every woman I talked to had this twinkle in their eyes and glow to their face. And yet, it was tough for me. In learning how to live with another person, fighting my independent nature and desire to do things on my own, seeing my own selfishness and the petty things I got upset over, and most of all the way my emotions came out in a way they never had before, I felt like I was ridiculous and difficult. I thought something was wrong with me or with our marriage because it wasn’t perfectly, fabulously, wonderfully amazing all the time like everyone else seemed to say theirs was. Then I realized that all I was experiencing is normal. Some people don’t experience it till later in marriage when reality hits, but the Lord knew it was good for me to learn that lesson now. So often we want to gloss over the hard parts of life and make everything seem like it is great all of the time. But the truth is, it’s not. Marriage is wonderful and beautiful and hard all at once. But through the difficulty and conflict we are pushed to Christ to be our sufficiency. We see more of Christ than we were occasioned to see as unmarried individuals because in the conflicts that only marriage can bring out, we are faced with our extreme need for the Lord in a way we’re not confronted with otherwise. Does this mean that married people are more Christ-like than unmarried people? Of course it doesn’t. However, the Christ and Church dynamic is more clearly seen by those in marriage because our finite minds are more able to grasp the realness of what Christ has done for us by our spouses exemplifying Christ to us. What Christ gives to us, including forgiveness, unconditional and self-sacrificial love, kindness, grace, mercy, patience, peace, forbearance, and faithfulness can be seen in such an illuminating way through our spouses when they demonstrate these characteristics through their actions. This doesn’t mean that single people cannot experience this in other ways through the people in their life. It also does not mean that every marriage will perfectly exhibit Christ’s relationship. It simply means that we are more likely to see it with the conflicts and difficulties that marriage brings and the ways that our spouses treat us when they are living by the Spirit and not by the flesh. We are human and we will never love one another perfectly, but through Christ’s death and resurrection, we are able to live out His love for our spouses and others by the Holy Spirit in us.

In all of this, what is the ultimate goal of the Christian life? It is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever (Westminster Shorter Catechism). This is why Paul continues in verses 29-31 of 1 Corinthians, “This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away.” Since I was focused on the aspect of marriage in this passage, my immediate reaction to “let those who have wives live as though they had none” was, “Excuse me? Does that mean he ignores his wife and her needs and pretends she doesn’t exist?” The answer to that question is obviously no. It means that his primary devotion, our primary devotion, remains to the Lord and in service to Him. We are to keep the eternal perspective and priority. Why? Because this world is passing away. These pleasures and hardships are fleeting, as is life here on earth. We have a greater hope, a hope of eternity with God. That is why we live as though we have no spouse, as though we have nothing to mourn over, as though the things of this world are nothing compared to what we will rejoice over and have possession of in Heaven, as though where we live now is not our home. So this does not mean we should not marry or that if we are married that we are wrong. What it means is that in marriage, in whatever we do, in word or deed, we do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him (Colossians 3:17).

So marriage IS wonderful and I AM so blessed to be married to my wonderful husband, and it is the beauty that comes out of the “troubles” that makes it wonderful, not everything being perfect. God uses marriage to bring out the worst in you to make the best of you. I am so thankful for marriage because it has caused me to lean all the more on Christ. He is the one who meets my every need and daily I must be reminded of that because in my flesh I doubt whether He truly can satisfy all my needs and longings. The ultimate truth is that He can and He does, whether I believe it in my heart or not. May we all live each day truly believing that the Lord is our All in All and He satisfies everything for us.